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In step 3 of realigning to your true essence, release, you began the first stages of the remove & replace process, the last stage of realignment, by identifying your unsupportive emotional states and by asking how useful they are to you. Once you have determined their usefulness, or rather harmfulness, one of the ways we explored how to diffuse an unsupportive emotional state was in shifting your perspective to learn new ways of relating in your world.
The third step in the realignment process and which is the subject of this blog post is releasing. While this is certainly easier said than done, it is one of the most freeing steps in the realignment process. In this process you begin releasing the unresolved emotional baggage keeping you in your current unsupportive situation or life state.
There’s never a bad time to reevaluate your life to help you understand if your values, vision and goals are aligned with your true essence. When discord arises in life, it doesn’t always mean a complete distancing from the situation is required but it does require a deeper look to determine what changes may need to be made before making a decision.
In my previous post, I shared that the answer to the question ‘who am I?’ is realignment. I explained that realignment brings us closer to ourselves, deepening our internal relationship, creating space for greater personal understanding and self-love so that we can begin again to move in the direction of the values, vision, and goals that serve our true essence.
The first step in realignment is reflection.
Who you become happens through realignment, not reinvention because the true essence of who you are is already perfect, it doesn’t need to be remade, it just needs to be revealed. To realign is to restore the connection to your true self and you do that by listening. To realign is to remember that at your core, you are love, that you are deserving of love and respect and honor and abundance. That is your birthright.
Your emotional immune system is restored when it’s rebuilt on a foundation of self-love. Self-love is made up of self-worth, self-respect, self-esteem, and self-confidence. For survivors of abuse especially in childhood, like myself, our emotional immune system was damaged at essential stages during our development. Self-love can be cultivated through practicing self-compassion, self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, and self-trust.
When I speak of creativity, I'm not merely referring to paint on a canvas. I'm referring to human ingenuity. I'm referring to human being's innate capability to turn thought into thing, this is creativity, and this is what has sustained life on this planet to date.
Contrary to popular belief, good things do not happen to those who wait. Good things happen to those who take action. If you want to live a life with no regrets, one that is joyful and meaningful, surrounded by people who value, love and support you, full of memorable experiences and the fulfillment of your deepest desires, then you must commit to abundance.
What does it mean to live with intention? It means that everything you are, say, and do is on purpose, aligned, and growth focused. Being intentional starts with a goal and is supported by self-awareness, accountability, and integrity.
Moving out of suffering requires (1) awareness, a knowledge of self, (2) accountability, taking 100% responsibility, and (3) integrity, living in accordance with your values. Applying these principles to my daily life allows me to experience peace.
The Buddha said “Attachment is the root of suffering” and I clarify that and say that expectation, the attachment to someone other than yourself fulfilling your desires, is the root of suffering.
I had become an expert at hiding. It’s what I did best. I was actually proud of it. Who wants to deal with all of those bothersome feelings that get in the way of getting shit done? I was under the illusion that I could live life unaffected by my baser human emotions like empathy and sympathy. Strangely enough, I’ve always been very compassionate and kind but that was easy because I didn’t have to be vulnerable to show compassion to others. In fact, I learned, the kinder I was, the more liked I was while never having to reveal the real me.
There are moments when every one of us has contemplated how we came be where we are. Perhaps life just kinda happened without you even realizing where the years went. Perhaps you kept putting off doing that thing you always talked with your best friend about because there was always something else that took priority. Perhaps you’ve just outgrown where you are, where you no longer feel the same drive or passion for what you did before.
What is it about loss that makes us hang on even tighter to what we still have, even when it’s not good for us? Trauma affects our emotional brain in irrational ways sometimes. In my case, the loss of the opportunity to effectively bond with my primary caregiver (my mother) meant that I was always searching for a replacement.
Finding inner peace is not a passive activity. No one will bring it to you. You can’t wish it alive. You must create inner peace. It’s not an easy task nor is it a one-and-done type of deal either. Creating inner peace is an active, conscious and consistent lifetime of living eyes and heart wide open, transparent, honest with yourself and others type of deal.
These are just some of the things I believe are required to find, create and sustain mature, healthy intimate relationships:
Heal from past traumas
Practice forgiveness of self and of hurts inflicted upon you
Create a safe space for open and honest communication
There’s a belief floating around that having expectations is a cause of suffering. Well, I disagree and here’s why I think everyone needs to have more expectations.
Having expectations means you have a standard for yourself and anything that falls below it will not be accepted.
Having expectations means you know yourself well enough to know what you will accept or reject.
Having expectations means that you are confident enough in yourself that nothing can sway you from achieving your ideal.
I’ll start off by saying that your comfort zone is neither. It’s neutral. Taking a simplistic stance, your comfort zone is inanimate; therefore, it can neither keep you in it nor kick you out of it. What it can and does do is signal when you are approaching the boundaries of your comfort. Then it’s up to you to decide whether to forge ahead or shrink back.
I know it gets scary sometimes, at times lonely and overwhelming but don’t let anyone set your timetable for you. Only you can decide when you’re ready to let go, make a change and find a way out of your sorrow but until then, have a support system around you, to encourage you, to be a shoulder to lean on and to be there for you propping you up when you are ready to decide, because believe me, you may falter and you will need a foundation of support to help you keep moving forward.
You are an amazing creation. You are walking, breathing potential. You are years of experience and wisdom packaged in the most amazing and intelligent information retrieval and delivery system. Yes, I know that sounds techy but that’s exactly the function of your brain, to store, retrieve and deliver information to your body, keeping you alive as well as to your mind, helping you make decisions.
In my last post, You Can't See Emotional Scars, I discussed how untreated emotional wounds create scars AKA symptoms in adulthood that weigh heavy on us, creating dysfunctional relationships and addictions or feelings of despair and depression and even physical ailments. Today, I want to talk about how emotional scars are formed and the 3 step treatment for healing.
You can’t see emotional scars but if left untreated they will begin to infect not only the point of injury but surrounding areas as well such as your self-worth and self-esteem. These wounds can go unnoticed for a long time surprising and confusing you when they surface because they don’t look like low self-esteem or low self-worth, rather they sneak up on you as symptoms.
When we’re born, our containers are full, overflowing with love but the walls of our container are thin which makes the walls of our container susceptible to tears and holes if our container isn’t well taken care of. Our caretakers are meant to be the protectors of our container, their job is to make the walls of our container strong and impenetrable and they do that by reinforcing what’s already in our container, love.